Instead of Going to the Party, I Stayed Home and Wrote About It

By Alizabeth Rasmussen

I

'm not going to the holiday party tonight, but this year I'm not going in a whole new way.

Historically, I've spent the day changing my mind: am going, not going, should go, kind of want to go, really want to go, really don't want to go, why not, why bother, okay I'll go.

And that's final.

Repeat (this time ending with "not going").

And so on.

This would continue until it was finally too late to show up. I'd resign myself to the fact that I wasn't going, feeling guilty and anti-social, exhausted from all the back and forth, and irritated by the fact that I didn't so much make a decision as just let the clock expire on the deliberation process.

I don't have any good reason for not going. I really do like many of the people I work with (and for that I'm grateful every day). It's not a matter of finding something to wear. I don't have another party to go to. I don't have Ian with me this weekend so wouldn't need to worry about missing out on time with him or finding a babysitter. And I'm feeling just fine, thank you very much.

The food's going to be amazing, the decorations gorgeous, the mood festive. It's going to be fun...just not my idea of fun.

Because here's the thing: I despise parties. Always have. And finally (finally!) I've decided to stop expecting, wishing, trying to be different. Finally, I've decided to stop judging this aspect of my personality as some kind of character flaw that I should push through, ignore, or fix.

This week, a lovely poem made it's way into my in-box from Samantha Bennett, called "In Praise Of The Over-Sensitive." It's deliciously long, but here's the part that grabbed me:

You may not believe in psychic ability, but it does seem pretty freaking obvious to you pretty much exactly what is going on with pretty much everybody pretty much all of the time.
And you can't believe we can't see it, too.

And all that discernment and intuition and, yes, sensitivity, makes
Going to parties a horror show and
Getting dressed for parties even worse -
And not being invited to parties the very worst thing of all.

But remember about your need for solitude.

My need for solitude. It's significant. At times I walk a fine line that begins to blur into isolation, and when that happens I know God is nudging me in the direction of connection. But I know that to balance out the solitude I need real connection. The kind that nourishes and inspires, not depletes and overwhelms. For me, that generally means fewer than eight people and little to no alcohol and talk that may be light and fun and funny...but would never qualify as "small."

I'm done wishing I was more social, more of a party girl, more "fun" as defined by people who love that kind of thing. Because in order for God to show me ways of connection that do work for me, I have to be willing to acknowledge the ways that don't.

So this year I'm not going to the holiday party because I'm simply honoring who I am.

Merry Christmas to me.

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And for you this holiday season, the Faith Squared virtual Advent calendar. Twenty-five images, poems, songs, video clips and other surprises to inspire, delight and make the countdown to Christmas a little more fun. Check it out and let us know what you think!

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